Thanksgiving

In honor of Thanksgiving I thought I'd share an article I recently stumbled upon written by one of the most hilarious humor columnists I've ever heard of... Happy Belated Turkey Day!

GREAT AMERICAN TURKEYS

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 17, 1996.)

Thanksgiving is a time of traditions, and there is no tradition more meaningful than the annual U.S. Department of Agriculture warning about fatal food-dwelling bacteria.

This year, I'm pleased to report, the department has outdone itself: For the first time ever, the department has officially advised Americans not to stuff their turkeys. Many alert readers sent in an Associated Press item in which the manager of the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hot Line -- whose name is (I am not making this up) Bessie Berry -- is quoted as saying: ``Improperly cooked stuffing can cause serious illness or even death.''

I am frankly wondering if stuffing should be regulated, like assault rifles, to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.

BANK TELLER: May I help you?

ROBBER: Hand over the money!

SECOND BANK TELLER: Do as he says! He's holding improperly cooked stuffing!

But the looming specter of a painful death should in no way dampen the festivity of your Thanksgiving dinner. Just make sure the food is prepared in accordance with federal guidelines (''STEP ONE: Lighting The Blowtorch''). And before you eat, don't forget to bow your head for the traditional prayer of thanks (''We thank Thee for this bountiful meal and ask Thine forgiveness for the fact that we hath ordered pizza'').

Another traditional thing you should do is teach your kids the true meaning of Thanksgiving. I suggest you have them put on the following historical play, ''The Very First Thanksgiving,'' which I wrote myself after several backbreaking minutes of research in the encyclopedia.

THE VERY FIRST THANKSGIVING

(Scene One: Some Pilgrims are standing on the deck of the Mayflower.)

FIRST PILGRIM: Well, here it is, the year 1620.

SECOND PILGRIM: Yes, and we have been on this tiny ship, the Mayflower, for many weeks, fleeing persecution in England because of our religious views.

FOURTH PILGRIM: Also, we wear hats that look like traffic cones.

FIRST PILGRIM: What happened to the Third Pilgrim?

SECOND PILGRIM: He's throwing up.

FOURTH PILGRIM: Hey, look! There's Plymouth Rock! Pull over, captain!

LONG JOHN SILVER: Arrr.

(Scene Two: The Pilgrims are standing on the shore.)

FIRST PILGRIM: Well, this looks like a barren area with poor soil and harsh winters, offering little chance for our survival.

OTHER PILGRIMS: Perfect!

ROBBER: Hand over the money!

FIRST PILGRIM: Hey! You already did your scene in this column!

ROBBER: Whoops.

SECOND PILGRIM: Look! A Native American!

NATIVE AMERICAN: Fortunately, I speak English. My name is Squanto.

FOURTH PILGRIM: ''Squanto''? What kind of name is ``Squanto''?

SECOND PILGRIM: It sounds nasty! It sounds like, ``Mom! The dog made Squanto on the linoleum!''

FIRST PILGRIM: What's ``linoleum''?

SECOND PILGRIM: I have no idea.

SQUANTO: I'm going to show you how to plant maize and beans using alewives, shad or menhaden as fertilizer.

FOURTH PILGRIM: ``Alewives''?

SQUANTO: That's what it says in the encyclopedia.

(Scene Three: One year later.)

FIRST PILGRIM: Well, here it is, one year later.

SECOND PILGRIM: That was a pretty harsh winter.

FOURTH PILGRIM: That was definitely the last winter I plan to spend in a small confined space with people eating a diet of maize and beans.

FIRST PILGRIM: Also, as you will recall, we had a lot of starvation and disease, the result being that half of us are dead.

SECOND PILGRIM: Time for a celebration!

(Scene Four: The Pilgrims and Squanto are seated at a banquet table.)

FIRST PILGRIM: So here we are, at the (burp) first Thanksgiving.

SECOND PILGRIM: I definitely want the recipe for this alewife dip.

FOURTH PILGRIM: Hey Squanto, what are those drums saying?

SQUANTO (after listening for a moment): Lions 14, Bears 7.

FIRST PILGRIM: You know, Squanto, without your help, we never would have survived this winter. So we've decided to take over all of North America and pretty much obliterate your culture.

SQUANTO: Sure.

FIRST PILGRIM: Really? You don't mind?

SQUANTO: No, not at all.

FIRST PILGRIM: Great!

SQUANTO: Try this stuffing.

School's Out Forever

Tests make me so nervous. Even when I know the material like the back of my hand I still get that horrible churning in the pit of my stomach. That small voice inside my head that tells me I won't do well, that no matter how hard I try or how hard I study I'll still lose.
Well, I had a test today. I'm not sure how I did, although I feel okay, maybe...
Midterms all this week. I have another one on Wednesday and a quiz on Thursday. I'm going to lose my freaking mind. I'll be so happy when the weekend comes, and it's only Monday!
I'm ready for school to be out forever.

Piercings and Bubble Tea

I'm highly congested. My wisdom teeth are coming in, causing mild headaches to come and go throughout the day. And to top it all off I got my ears pierced yesterday! The original plan was to get my lobes and the cartilage done at the same time but I looked at several different parlors and none of them would pierce the cartilage with a gun so I just got the lobes done.
It's not that I'm a chicken... well, maybe I am. I'm afraid of the unknown. I've never had my ears done with a needle. I've never even seen it done, so I had no idea what to expect and that itself freaked me out. Thus, I'm waiting until I can do some major research on this needle piercing.
Although, how many people can say they got their ears pierced in a parlor on the infamous Rechov Sheinkin in Tel Aviv, sipping on Bubble Tea to ease the pain. Not many.

Lessons Unlearned

A grey cloud settles over a rippling sea. The quiet will end abruptly tonight. All that was built will come crashing down. That unsettling feeling that comes before the storm has made its home inside those involved. The earth will continue to circle the sun; life will continue for everyone else, but for those involved it will seem as though that earth has stopped; that life has ended. The first drop of water is so insignificant that it goes without notice. It falls to the ground in a soundless but purposeful plunge; and another follows; then another; and another. Soon they are drenched in an outcry of insults and blame, wondering where the sun has gone. They try to remember what caused the storm but the cause evades them. Thus, the lesson goes unlearned.

The College Laundry Experience

Whoever invented washable clothes probably thought they were quite the genius. Well, I loathe that person. In fact, I loathe Adam and Eve for realizing their sinful ways and covering themselves in the first place! They had no idea what they were starting. This laundry washing ritual is among the most annoying of life's necessities.
First, you must gather all the accumulated clothing and shove it into a bag that is reasonably easy to carry, since the walk from our dorm building to the dorm building that contains the holy laundry mat is a good 15 minute walk. Down the street, through the park, and down another street to the building. Once you make it to the building you must convince the uptight security that you are indeed coming to do laundry and not to sneak in the dorm with a six pack of booze and some hash. After that has been accomplished you proceed to what I like to call "The Laundry Hell Hole." Appropriately named, I think. It's a small crevice in the wall that builds up so much heat you think you're going to suffocate as you sit watching the laundry jumble and tumble and wonder if it's really so important to smell nice. Then your mind wanders and you begin to conjure up these fantastic ideas on how to murder the person who said personal hygiene was important. I like to blame these little episodes on the extreme heat.
No wonder college kids stink.

Life's Little Surprises...

Sometimes life surprises you. Those are the moments to live for. The times you wake up in the morning thinking it will be an ordinary day and something extraordinary happens. Life threw me one of those surprises yesterday. A few weeks ago I met this girl from Bosnia. We have nothing in common; or so I thought. I went to a Journalism workshop with her at Ha'aretz and the walk to the bus stop gave us the opportunity to really get to know each other. We talked about our experiences and how we miss certain things about home. I found we are more similar than I originally thought. Shows where first impressions get you, if you base things on them.
It's good to give things and people a chance, despite what you think at first. You'll either be pleasantly surprised or you'll confirm what you already suspected. How could that hurt?